Who am I, to say I am a Creative. Who am I, to say that I am not.

Reflections on the many ways my creativity has been stifled and then emerges again to save me.

Now I have children of my own, I often watch them play and engage with their own creativity with such ease, it fascinates me. My eldest, our four year old, comes home from nursery, eats some lunch and then asks if she can leave the table to go and make something at her desk. She hops down and trots off to her dedicated desk space in the office.

Close by she has a range of papers; different colours, sizes, shapes. There are pens, pencils, crayons. A special arts and craft collection too; think pom poms, string, sticks and feathers. There are also sticker books and scrap books and colouring books. Without much thought, she just sits down and gets in to it.

At the moment she enjoys using pens and makes a design most days to take to nursery the following morning and give to a friend. In turn her friends have been sending things back and now we have a collection of art from various friends aged 3-4 in our home. To show these off we have made a small section of the house a gallery to show her that what she makes is important because she thinks it’s important. She delights in this. We often remark at how wonderful it is that she can express herself and we love to see whatever mark making she creates.

It’s not about whether its ‘good’ or its ‘bad’. She just creates because she feels the urge to.

Do you remember your wild heart? The part of you that knows how to create without thinking about the outcome? I believe we are all creatives.

Reflections

Do you know where my art work would often reside? In an art pad.

I started to explore why and was surprised with what came up for me. It was something like this.

Who am I, to take a piece of my artwork and hang it on the wall?

Even though it would be accompanied by my daughters artwork, it felt a stretch too far to take something of mine own and add it there.

For other people to judge it? To criticise? To ask, is this what you do with your time?

As I write these words down I know they are not my own (and I know it is not other peoples reactions either). These thoughts are critical and harsh and judgmental. Yet if I didn’t write them down they would whirl around in my head and they stop me taking any action - in this case, putting something on display that I like and adding it to the home gallery.

Creativity - a brief journey

When I left school, I wouldn’t class myself as creative. My art teacher thought what I did was ‘acceptable’ but her main concern was that her Art Department maintained its A* to C standard. (I am pleased to confirm I received an A* for my mock and a B for the overall GCSE!) I didn’t feel encouraged to pursue my own art work or expression of creativity and admired all of those that could. I did always enjoy visiting galleries or exhibitions and have enjoyed collecting colourful postcards along the way.

In my twenties I was mainly concerned with going out, socialising and trying to repair the latest issue I had caused with my very poor decision making. My creativity was mainly to do with the outfits I wore. Creativity didn’t feel like a choice when carnage and chaos was my MO. I had a series of rock bottoms and finally in 2013 aged 29, I had a moment of clarity and made a decision that sobriety looked more attractive than how I was living my life. It was in putting down that lifestyle and changing my inner world as much as my outer world, that I started to experience the need and desire to get creative again. I been blocked off from my own intuition and hadn’t realised it.

During my early thirties I started to experience living as a form of creativity. Visiting and exploring countries such as Croatia and India, on my own, with sober eyes, filled me with gratitude and it was then that I started my exploration of photography as an outlet for capturing the often fleeting moments of pure joy and contentment life had to offer. I began to think back at the things I had enjoyed most as a child and writing and painting came through time and time again.

As I began tentatively exploring this, my creativity was crushed by a brief reunion with my ‘childhood sweetheart’. The relationship was not only toxic, it was manipulative, controlling, coercive and unfortunately ended in domestic violence. With the help of two close friends and Women’s Aid I was able to leave safely. One of the reasons I stayed small and didn’t develop much of an online presence in my work after that was to safeguard myself (and now my children) against a very manipulative person who I have no doubt in my mind would still, to this day, cause me harm.

I am not expert on the subject, but please know if you haven’t experienced a domestic abuse relationship, its much more complex than “leave them.”

Domestic Abuse Myths

Fortunately, I did get out.

I have since dedicated myself to my full recovery in every sense of the word, mind, body and soul; how I met my now partner (and the father of my children) can only be described as divine timing! He is a truly wonderful human being. I realised, finally, that I was deserving of so much more than I had tolerated and endured and knew that expressing myself through my own creativity could help me with processing in a way that sometimes talking can not.

Later down the line, becoming a new mother; confused as to why I couldn’t create again, it never occurred to me in the hazy early days of postpartum that the reason I couldn’t paint anymore, or have any new words to add to the page (besides the obvious time constraints) was due to the fact I’d created three humans.

Or, that maybe, my creativity well needing filling up again.

After all that had been through, it was and had become about how to heal.

So one Saturday afternoon, not too long ago, I developed my very own creative nook alongside my daughter. I am sure that in her seeing how I can continue to turn up for myself, so can see.

Mindfulness

If you've ever struggled with being a creative, or if you're an artist, (in any sense of the word) and have felt blocked or stuck then I have a podcast recommendation for you.

Julia Cameron believes each and every one of us is creative and she knows exactly how to ignite the artist in all of us. Her famous book The Artists Way is cited as helping many thousands of people to not only get out of their own way but create on a regular basis. As well as Julia Cameron’s description of Morning Pages I have found the one given by Oliver Burkeman particularly useful and practical too - especially when small people come along.

I know I am not the only parent to grieve the freedom of having the time, energy, space and capacity when little people arrive. Morning Pages as a routine can be hard enough to develop when you are single let alone when you have a baby waking up at 5am. More often than not, Afternoon or Evening Pages has been good enough for me, and as an earlier post of mine outlined, done is better than perfect; if I get to write or paint or be creative twice in a week or maybe even a month, I need to have acceptance that is the season I am in (and it won’t always be that way).

What I have also begun to do, is look at all the ways I am being creative in the day to day that I would often overlook, dismiss or belittle.

Every single one of us is being creative and has further creative potential. We just need to be open to a change of perspective.

• a colour coordinated book case

• how I style my hair

• the accessories I wear

• what make up I decide to put on

• how I choose to hang my jewellery up

• the way I present my crystals

• trying a new recipe for dinner

• how I present food on a plate

• how I make my bed

• how I decorate my home

• how I dress my children

• how I organise my sock draw

• how I display art in my home

• what the inside of my cupboards look like

And I have landed here:

I am endlessly creating myself.

The things I feel passionate about are not random, they are a calling.

Creativity can be healing.